Goodbye Sadie.

Sunday to Sunday. 7 days.

3 different people. At least a dozen different conversations.

Every single one of them in that time span amounts to the very similar conclusion that I am existing at a point in life at which I can't see a way to effectively change anything. On a broader scale of my world this is because of my immersion within the 3 situations which stem from these 3 individuals, yet on a smaller scale the reason there are even problems are simply because of how close these people are to me.

Hans, you and I need to be in each others life as is blatantly apparent in my eyes by the last 4 years. In your eyes it wasn't the same, but as of tonight I'm hoping you now feel the same. I'm gonna be here tomorrow, and the next day, and for years to come. You're just gonna have to learn to accept and trust that. We're closer than we let ourselves be and because of our past that makes sense at the moment. I want more than anything for it to be different so that I can help you as much as I used to, so that you can help me with the problems I can't go anywhere else with, and just to be able to give you a hug goodbye. But that's going to take not only time, but us figuring out a few things in our own lives first, so for now all I can do is wait.

Brittany, you and I have to get our friendship back to stable grounds. There are definitely more than enough reasons for it to be in the position it's in but you and I both agree that the two of us need to look past those because the all the situations we used to be in are not, and never will be, the same. I understand that there are still feelings there but that's honestly something that can never happen because of what developed under the false pretenses I had believed in up until a week ago. We started this conversation about 24 hours ago, but since then I've solidified the decision I'm going to present in the next paragraph but remain absolutely certain that if it were to ever happen its timing would be based on you and I or at least you finding a way to be at least partially ok with it. How do I move forward with our friendship when it leaves Stacy and I in a limbo where we know we mean more to each other than friends so can't go backwards but care way too much about you to go forwards? I (kind of unrealistically) want more than anything to be able to keep you in my life as a close friend who's ok with my feelings towards Stacy. But you've told me this isn't possible, so for now all I can do is wait.

Stacy, simply speaking, I want to be with you. Like I told Brittany, the reason for that is possibly just because we never started and we've been so close to doing so for so long that I have a delusional idea of what could be. It could be that we wouldn't ever work and it'd end up being terrible. Because of how close we've grown and we both agree that it's only going to get closer, that's a risk that I'm more than willing to take. What do I say to you that hasn't already been said? How many times am I going to look at you and wonder what could be without ever being able to find out? Why is it that the only way to make any motion, forwards or backwards means choosing between you and Brittany? That's fucking ridiculous and a choice I refuse to make. I want more than anything for us to be able to find out what there really is between us. But the ripple effect of that action negatively affects more friends than you and I are ok with, so for now all I can do is wait.



My whole life, I've been all about just going with it and learning by doing. But I've finally reached a point where I don't have a path to "just go" down. I'm at an intersection waiting for a hand-motion-symbolized road to appear on which I can justify traveling.

Week 3 starts in a little under 6 hours. This summer has yet to feel right for me and clearly for other counselors as well. We can't have the fam bam's last summer together be a summer spent is discord, something's gotta give.



Can someone tell me why I wrote a blog post to people who don't read my blog? Is it just an outline for a future conversation I'm going to have with them? Or am I putting it online because I sub-consciously believe that I won't ever have those conversations?