Goodbye Sadie.

Sunday to Sunday. 7 days.

3 different people. At least a dozen different conversations.

Every single one of them in that time span amounts to the very similar conclusion that I am existing at a point in life at which I can't see a way to effectively change anything. On a broader scale of my world this is because of my immersion within the 3 situations which stem from these 3 individuals, yet on a smaller scale the reason there are even problems are simply because of how close these people are to me.

Hans, you and I need to be in each others life as is blatantly apparent in my eyes by the last 4 years. In your eyes it wasn't the same, but as of tonight I'm hoping you now feel the same. I'm gonna be here tomorrow, and the next day, and for years to come. You're just gonna have to learn to accept and trust that. We're closer than we let ourselves be and because of our past that makes sense at the moment. I want more than anything for it to be different so that I can help you as much as I used to, so that you can help me with the problems I can't go anywhere else with, and just to be able to give you a hug goodbye. But that's going to take not only time, but us figuring out a few things in our own lives first, so for now all I can do is wait.

Brittany, you and I have to get our friendship back to stable grounds. There are definitely more than enough reasons for it to be in the position it's in but you and I both agree that the two of us need to look past those because the all the situations we used to be in are not, and never will be, the same. I understand that there are still feelings there but that's honestly something that can never happen because of what developed under the false pretenses I had believed in up until a week ago. We started this conversation about 24 hours ago, but since then I've solidified the decision I'm going to present in the next paragraph but remain absolutely certain that if it were to ever happen its timing would be based on you and I or at least you finding a way to be at least partially ok with it. How do I move forward with our friendship when it leaves Stacy and I in a limbo where we know we mean more to each other than friends so can't go backwards but care way too much about you to go forwards? I (kind of unrealistically) want more than anything to be able to keep you in my life as a close friend who's ok with my feelings towards Stacy. But you've told me this isn't possible, so for now all I can do is wait.

Stacy, simply speaking, I want to be with you. Like I told Brittany, the reason for that is possibly just because we never started and we've been so close to doing so for so long that I have a delusional idea of what could be. It could be that we wouldn't ever work and it'd end up being terrible. Because of how close we've grown and we both agree that it's only going to get closer, that's a risk that I'm more than willing to take. What do I say to you that hasn't already been said? How many times am I going to look at you and wonder what could be without ever being able to find out? Why is it that the only way to make any motion, forwards or backwards means choosing between you and Brittany? That's fucking ridiculous and a choice I refuse to make. I want more than anything for us to be able to find out what there really is between us. But the ripple effect of that action negatively affects more friends than you and I are ok with, so for now all I can do is wait.



My whole life, I've been all about just going with it and learning by doing. But I've finally reached a point where I don't have a path to "just go" down. I'm at an intersection waiting for a hand-motion-symbolized road to appear on which I can justify traveling.

Week 3 starts in a little under 6 hours. This summer has yet to feel right for me and clearly for other counselors as well. We can't have the fam bam's last summer together be a summer spent is discord, something's gotta give.



Can someone tell me why I wrote a blog post to people who don't read my blog? Is it just an outline for a future conversation I'm going to have with them? Or am I putting it online because I sub-consciously believe that I won't ever have those conversations?

Week 1. Done.

It started in a flash
Before anyone thought it was coming
It was here

Had to feel out the new surroundings
Had to get into a rhythm
Yeah there were snags
Of course there were problems
But its week 1

Make mistakes early
Just go with it
You'll never know if you don't try
Learn by doing

Bridges built not burned
Friends worth fighting for
Children worth mentioning
Looking good

And now friday

Late night is the early morning
Things are coming together
Relax
Made it through
Day is for coworkers
Night is for friends

Start the summer off right
Friday could go on forever
But then there's saturday

Just as quick as it began
It's over.



After all is said and done
No matter the physical and mental costs
You come out on top
Experience and memories
What more can you really ask for

Next weeks coming
The same
But different
Gotta roll with the punches though


Cause' there was just no way to know..

On Tha' Sound

It's been quite some time since we started looking and jazzy and I are still going strong on the Dream-spot search.

Some girl named brittany long from houston who's 16 just became my jail-bait unicorn.

I think there were about 6 or 7 days since I came out of my med induced coma after surgery that I didn't see Pat. Now he's in Seattle somewhere living in a garage of an uncle who's not really an uncle but some old war buddy of his dad.

I got a driver's license yesterday. It feels really weird. I'm not really excited like I'm sure everyone else was when they got their license. As everyone who knows me knows, I've been driving for years now. I've been DD so many times I can't even count them and except for Tommy I was the only other one without a license but I never thought twice about it. Now it's legal, I guess that's cool. It really just means that I can get a car of my own now. Gotta hop on that.

Goals from the last year for this summer:

Learn to play some piano (Week 8 2007) √
- Learn to play Love Song (Week 9 2007) √
Get Job as Supervisor 2008 (Week 10 2007) √
Live in the City, don't just go to school there (Sep 2007) √
Pass all my classes (Sep 2007) √
Give SFSU Ultimate a promising new look (Sep 2007) √
Win a tournament as SFSU (Dec 2007) √
Get a Dream House, inspired by the Bacon's (Jan. 2008) [ ]
Pass all my classes (Jan 2008) [ ]
Go to Regionals (Jan 2008) [ ]
Get the D on the Tree from Irvine (Mar 9, 2008) [ ]
Get back on the field full force (Mar 9, 2008) [ ]

Get a credit card, for dream house credit (May 2008) √
Get a license finally (May 2008) √
Get a car (May 2008) [ ]
Make this the best summer the counselor's of HBC have ever had (June 2008) [ ]



Cigar Bar and Grill tonight or tomorrow. Juiced.

Brittany's coming to work on monday. Juiced.

Camp starts monday. Juiced.

SumSumma kickoff next Sunday. Juiced.



I still don't know why I write on this thing. All it does is waste time online, everything I write down are random thoughts and I remember all of them whether they're written down or not because I thought them. The only reason I remember I have this thing is cause' now it's linked to Tommy and Joe's blog so I see it when I read theirs.



Go to Europe with Pat next Feb. (Apr 2008) [ ]
Go to South America with Pat next Summer (Apr 2008) [ ]