Food for Thought

"There is no one to blame but myself. Just because you can doesn't mean you should."

Sometimes words just hit home.

"3 good friends, a guitar and an amp/

a docent, a student and a connect 4 Champ"

This is something I wrote way back on October 15th but didn't post on this blog. Now I figure it's worth the addition.

So I'm back in the Bay Area and life is... normal.

Not a sidewalk disturbed or a leaf out of place in this town. It's almost as if I never went anywhere. Kinda like I fell asleep and had the most amazing dream for 6 days straight. But just like a dream, when you wake up, if you don't think about it right away and try and remember what happened everything gets jumbled and out of order.



The plane hasn't even landed yet and I know this what I want to do with most of my life. Travel. I'm coming in over the sleeping city of London. It's the dark that happens when the universe breathes in for 20 minutes before exhaling the light of a new day through the streets and bedroom windows of it's millions. At that moment in time, suspended in space, gazing out from the plane's window I felt a feeling I never even knew existed. It was the feeling of endless possibility. We passed over boroughs, streets, houses, families. All of them at the starting blocks for the day ahead. Everything was brand new and just laid out there like the Earth was offering me a buffet. This country was new. This city was waiting to be explored. These streets were mysteries. These people were waiting to share their secrets. The day was seconds from beginning and for me it was the start of a new life. For one who had never left the country before, this was a candy store and I had just been told to take whatever I please and leave whatever I don't.

I'm in Westminster which for all I knew was still just London and I was searching for something that resembled breakfast. Muffin maybe? My pursuit brought me down the candy aisle which was similar to leaving the kindergarten yard and realizing that there was a bigger and better playground you had never been told about. There were at least 4 different kinds of Kit Kat, none of them the original and right next to them a candy bar that was called "Yorkie" with the tag line "It's NOT for Girls!"

Sitting in the Airport in Minneapolis, my only possessions at this point being a backpack filled to the breaking point with Clothes, Books, and Candy, I try and understand what I'm feeling. It's a weird parallel to an old mood. It's as if everyone at gate F14 is moving as a single unit, as a family of people all interconnected in some way. And to them I'm just a part of the background, given about as much thought as the chair I'm sitting in. Like I'm not really even a part of this world, I'm supposed to exist somewhere else.

As I sat there in the chair in a pub tens of thousands of miles away from where I lived, talking to Alex made me feel at home. It was as if that was where I belonged. Not necessarily in that pub but in that moment. I'm really glad Stacy found a friend like that. She's going to be the one that keeps her sane while she's over there. And the one who keeps me sane while she's over there too. I'm not so worried about her anymore knowing that Alex is there.

This city is like SF spread out over the area of LA. There are street performers painted all one color. There are homeless in the parks just trying to relax. There are a thousand different languages and dialects being spoken. There are tourists. There are locals. There is shitty food. There are delicious meals. There are ghettos. There are mansions. There are trains, buses and more taxis on the road than cars. It's like someone took the city I love and made it brand new to me. I've spent my life exploring SF and there's still so much I don't know. With London I've got my work cut out for me.

When will this kid shut the fuck up? Ok, I understand you've been to Iraq. Yes you've killed people before. You've persevered through ridiculous odds. That isn't an excuse bitch. It shouldn't take away from your character it should add to it. And if in fact it did add to it then I don't even want to know what you were like before hand. You're 26 but you drink and get the manners of an inbred country bumpkin with the maturity level of a 4th grader. Tell me that I'm supposed to feel good cause' you're looking out for Stacy while I'm not there again and I'll put my fist straight through your face.

A simple pepperoni pizza from London might've been the best thing that's ever graced my lips. Or it could be that it was just the first food I ate coming back from the end of the world. I've never been truly dehydrated like that in my life. It wasn't that I drank that much alcohol because I didn't, it was simply that I hadn't had a water intake since Monday. That was one of the worst experiences my body has ever had. It's a very close second to how I felt laying in bed post-op from my knee. But then all the pain came from one place. When you're dehydrated everything hurts. Drink water kids.

What we decided was the right thing. It's what has to happen. I repeat this to myself over and over and over again. It's 4 am at least and Stacy's been asleep for an hour maybe more. She can't fully experience London and truly be happy here the way we've been living this past month. There's about 3 emails a day each and phone calls at least every other. That's not her living in London and that's not me living in Alameda. We were both in a suspended state where neither one of us was gonna accomplish anything because all we could see was the relationship we left behind when we went forward with our lives. This is in no way the end of things, and the truth is, we're going to be coming in and out of each others lives for the next year at least. There isn't a solid block of time longer than a month really where we're gonna be able to be together and that's that. So this is the right thing to do. We'll be together when I'm back across the pond but for now it's not that black and white. If you ask me if I have a girlfriend the answer is no. If you ask me if I'm single, It's complicated (thanks facebook). Which is fine, right? Isn't that what guys dream about? Having a girlfriend who's only a girlfriend when she's around? Then why am I sitting here at 5 am now across from Stacy awake. It's the "what ifs" that get you. What if she realizes that this saying good bye part is too hard and she doesn't want to do it again? What if one of us comes back into this and decides that it just isn't the same as it used to be, it's just not worth it anymore? What if she really did hook up with someone, would I be able to move past it like I say I would? What if I hooked up with someone, would she be able to handle that at all? What if I am crazy, what if all the times she's told me it was a bad idea to trust her as much as I do she was right? What if I should have ran in the other direction? What if I lose her? What if this is it? It's 6 am now. It's gonna be an interesting couple of hours pretty soon here.

"You know, you probably should stay forever. I don't want you to leave!!" said Jackie. Thanks Jack, if it were up to me I never would. The two of us are standing in line at McDonald's. She wants a burger and I'm in desperate need of a chocolate shake to go along with the meal I purchased on my last run through of this line. I look over to where Stacy's standing with the rest of the group. She's dipping 4 fries into her chocolate shake with one hand and taking a huge bite out of her Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese with the other. Goddamn she's beautiful.

I'm back on BART. My home away from home. I've spent so much time on this public transit system that it calms me down no matter how many dozens of unruly children I'm supposed to be keeping a watchful eye on. Sitting here on the last train from SFO puts things into perspective, and lets me form precise clear thoughts. She's in love with me, not only does she tell me that all the time, she looks me in the eyes and means it with everything she has. I love her too. Shad is one beast of a rap artist. Who knew Canadians had rap? This plan really is gonna work out between the two of us. It's adult, it's mature, it's responsible. It's all the things that without realizing it we're growing up to be. Sure it's gonna be an uphill battle the whole way almost but it's what is gonna make the two of our lives apart easier for the time being. It's also something we're gonna have to do plenty of times in our future. Cause' honestly I can't see us ending more than we are right now which really isn't an end at all. It's the comma instead of a period theory. Which is actually pretty scary to think about but that's not at all what this post is about. My point is that I'm optimistic again. Thanks BART. You do me right.

It's time to hit the HBC and pick up a paycheck, then hit Mills and pick up a Pat. Then hit Gamestop and pick up a DS, oooh yeeeeh.

"They say Shad K don't treat paper that way...

cause' uh, we can't breathe if you kill them trees. Now that's a round-a-bout way that I kill MC's"




You know what I did this morning? I woke up, itched my foot, kicked my blankets off and walked over to the bathroom.

Normal right? Sounds like it.

As I was standing in the bathroom though I started thinking, almost exactly 7 months ago. None of what I had just done was possible. I wasn't able to bring my foot up in order to scratch it. I couldn't have kicked anything off anywhere. I wasn't able to stand up, let alone walk by myself without warming up to the pain in the mornings. That's insane.

I have no idea what it must be like for people who have never had use of their legs. But from the perspective of someone who was a frequent and avid user of said extremities, losing that range of movement was something that was so surreal to me. It's like it wasn't my body I was using. I could sit and think "bend your knee" but unlike Uma Thurman, that shit just wouldn't happen. I was missing the tendon that took that command and made it into an action.

I guess it's a reinforcement of the theory that you never know what you have until it's gone. Or at least you never appreciate it anyways.

I've been complaining a lot recently, there were plenty of reasons I had that my days Now A Daze weren't as good as they were beforehand. But honestly, I'm a lucky ass guy. Pat and I were talking last night about luck actually. We hang out around a lot of lucky people. People who come into money without trying, people who find steals, get jobs, houses, and other material things without trying. But then Pat pointed out that it's just a difference in lifestyles. So yeah the two of us aren't going to suddenly happen upon a small fortune, but we're still alive. Given the situations we find ourselves in at times that's a big feat.

My mind's rambling but the general theme I'm going for is that, hey, I can walk even though I was missing half my knee. I can see even though there are holes in my retina's just waiting to detach those bad boys. I can hear even though I've burst both ear drums and still have a tube in one trying to keep it together. I'm alive despite how badly some people wanted that to change at times. I can enjoy every day. I've been given that opportunity over and over (at least once every 24 hours actually) and it's probably time I start seizing those chances.

Smile. It makes the world a better place.

A Story No One Told - Shad

"So the man just arose, put his hands to the road, and began to compose the most candid of prose."



I'm a pretty open guy. Willing to talk about anything at any point during the day if someone asks. But the problem is when I want to talk about it, when I need somewhere to spill my thoughts, it's 4 am and no one is awake but me. This is the time when I wanna walk the streets and just verbally sort through my thoughts. When I want to work out the answers. And not to problems,(I don't really have those and the ones I think I do are just fallacies), but to questions.

The issue being that no one in their right mind is awake right now. People have lives that start in the mornings. So do I, but I never sleep. Not that I can't, there's just always something else I'd rather be doing. But that's besides the point.

And no blogging isn't the place to do it. I don't want to type my thoughts out, that just makes me spend more time on each individual one than necessary. I want to just flow from topic to topic, questions to answer and back to more questions and answers. I don't want to wait for my fingers to catch up and worry about whether there was an apostrophe in that "don't" or not.

I guess I can walk and talk to myself really. There's no one out at this time of night and if they are they're just as crazy as I am so talking to myself won't seem odd at all. Great plan, I'm on it.

Dream. House.

Goddamn I want to move out.

I dislike money. It doesn't bring enough positive to counterbalance the negative.

I wish I were still in London and not just for Stacy. Yeah she's a bonus but I really miss how it feels to be in a huge city, especially one I know nothing about. I love that feeling, you never know what's gonna happen.

I don't want to know what's gonna happen. Someone surprise me.

"You betta get with it or get lost homeboy"

You know the itch you get when something's gotta happen?

"You brought dick too!? Girl this nigga brought dick too"

Katt Williams at 1:47 am. It's what the doctor ordered.


Life is fuckin' good.

I'm doing hella well. Stacy's doing hella well. We're doing hella well as a team.

Everything else just falls into place from there really. I'm lookin' forward to the future but I'm not waiting for it. I can't ask for more.

"Can you picture a little flying fish? 'I'm here to help fight the Mondays Tom!!'"

I'm ready for the balance of life to tip from struggling to having it just come.




But the french toast is still delicious.

158.

So 3 days feels like 3 weeks. This won't be easy.

Routine, routine, routine. It seems to be the answer that everyone has for the problem that lies in feeling the need to adjust to the place in which they're about to spend the better part of their next year. Whether it's across a country or across an ocean or whether they haven't moved an inch from the place they feel most at home, routine is what is being searched for.

Is this just so they can pass the down time while they're away and hope to have a smooth enough ride in order to have some fun while they wait to get back to feeling at home?

But where is back home? Is that really a physical place? Where the heart is right? The heart is where the friends are really, that's where you feel most at home. So then naturally that's the place you want to be right? Right.

I wasn't actually asking, I was writing down thoughts in order to just come to the conclusion that February is gonna be some good times.

Pat needs a job. Joe just needs spring break. And stacy just needs to find some cool things to show the three of us.

Weight off my shoulders.

As it gets closer and closer I'm not really worried about it as much. It's not the end at all.

Besides, he said, she said. What could possibly get me down?

Quick Question.

Could it be that I'm really just trying to find myself inside of you?

Could it be that I'm really trying to find myself inside of all my friends?

Ultimately we want to know as much about ourselves as possible so is that why we have friends, because we can see glimpses of ourselves in them and we're drawn towards the possibility of discovering…well, us?


Ok that was 3 questions.

Choices.

With all of everything swirling through my head
The fear, the facts, the hope, the dread
My mind races, the lights go out
From the depths of my soul, I feel the doubt
Around every corner lurks the unknown
On the edge of an abyss, completely alone
My hearts beating faster than your mind comprehends
But then, flash. It stops, and the world unbends
The pieces of the puzzle fall into place
The path to follow is clear through time and space
The cement has dried, the bricks have been laid
In this moment a decision was made

- 2003

Two Words.

Don't touch, walls wet
Graffiti artist, mind set
Express yourself, every day
Rester Brun, stay gray
Make believe, just pretend
Forgotten past, begin again
Time's now, don't delay
Your future, begins today
Love lost, knowledge gained
Always changing, never same
Your mind, your choice
Many thoughts, one voice
You understand, I know
Time spent, emotion grows
Stars glow, suns shine
Two words, twenty lines
"Live right, guard left"
On top, the best
Look back, fly straight
Don't trip, it's fate

- 2005

Rebuttal a.k.a. the 3 cup run-back.

"Maybe it's all a problem with perspective."

You know, it almost always is. I don't know why it takes so long for me to take a step back even though I've proved to myself time after time that's the best way to solve problems.

I was wrong. Again. But if you don't take the risk of being wrong then your learning experiences become very limited, but that's not what this post is about.

For the longest time now Stacy and I have been trying to force something that needed no forcing, and in doing so caused a rift through a friendship that tore pretty deep.

We were trying to move "us" somewhere.

We were trying to keep a friendship with Brittany.

We were trying to justify to ourselves why we were trying so hard.



Trying is for people who are in situations that aren't working for them. Stacy and I had a pretty damn good set up. We were friends that were only getting closer and were surrounded by some of the best family anyone could ask for. And the whole time I was stuck in such a subjective view. Influenced by the pressure from around me to move forward in life, to go somewhere, to be something more than what I am now had me putting other peoples ideals into play in my life.

it wasn't until about a half hour ago that I was able to take a step back and look at myself, the situation I'm in and the connections amongst those around me and realize that I'm actually happy with where I am. With who I am. With everyone around me as well.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that things are looking up, change is constant so it's pointless to try and make more than that which naturally occurs. With 2.4 weeks of summer done I think I can finally start to fall into the flow of this summer.

Goodbye Sadie.

Sunday to Sunday. 7 days.

3 different people. At least a dozen different conversations.

Every single one of them in that time span amounts to the very similar conclusion that I am existing at a point in life at which I can't see a way to effectively change anything. On a broader scale of my world this is because of my immersion within the 3 situations which stem from these 3 individuals, yet on a smaller scale the reason there are even problems are simply because of how close these people are to me.

Hans, you and I need to be in each others life as is blatantly apparent in my eyes by the last 4 years. In your eyes it wasn't the same, but as of tonight I'm hoping you now feel the same. I'm gonna be here tomorrow, and the next day, and for years to come. You're just gonna have to learn to accept and trust that. We're closer than we let ourselves be and because of our past that makes sense at the moment. I want more than anything for it to be different so that I can help you as much as I used to, so that you can help me with the problems I can't go anywhere else with, and just to be able to give you a hug goodbye. But that's going to take not only time, but us figuring out a few things in our own lives first, so for now all I can do is wait.

Brittany, you and I have to get our friendship back to stable grounds. There are definitely more than enough reasons for it to be in the position it's in but you and I both agree that the two of us need to look past those because the all the situations we used to be in are not, and never will be, the same. I understand that there are still feelings there but that's honestly something that can never happen because of what developed under the false pretenses I had believed in up until a week ago. We started this conversation about 24 hours ago, but since then I've solidified the decision I'm going to present in the next paragraph but remain absolutely certain that if it were to ever happen its timing would be based on you and I or at least you finding a way to be at least partially ok with it. How do I move forward with our friendship when it leaves Stacy and I in a limbo where we know we mean more to each other than friends so can't go backwards but care way too much about you to go forwards? I (kind of unrealistically) want more than anything to be able to keep you in my life as a close friend who's ok with my feelings towards Stacy. But you've told me this isn't possible, so for now all I can do is wait.

Stacy, simply speaking, I want to be with you. Like I told Brittany, the reason for that is possibly just because we never started and we've been so close to doing so for so long that I have a delusional idea of what could be. It could be that we wouldn't ever work and it'd end up being terrible. Because of how close we've grown and we both agree that it's only going to get closer, that's a risk that I'm more than willing to take. What do I say to you that hasn't already been said? How many times am I going to look at you and wonder what could be without ever being able to find out? Why is it that the only way to make any motion, forwards or backwards means choosing between you and Brittany? That's fucking ridiculous and a choice I refuse to make. I want more than anything for us to be able to find out what there really is between us. But the ripple effect of that action negatively affects more friends than you and I are ok with, so for now all I can do is wait.



My whole life, I've been all about just going with it and learning by doing. But I've finally reached a point where I don't have a path to "just go" down. I'm at an intersection waiting for a hand-motion-symbolized road to appear on which I can justify traveling.

Week 3 starts in a little under 6 hours. This summer has yet to feel right for me and clearly for other counselors as well. We can't have the fam bam's last summer together be a summer spent is discord, something's gotta give.



Can someone tell me why I wrote a blog post to people who don't read my blog? Is it just an outline for a future conversation I'm going to have with them? Or am I putting it online because I sub-consciously believe that I won't ever have those conversations?

Week 1. Done.

It started in a flash
Before anyone thought it was coming
It was here

Had to feel out the new surroundings
Had to get into a rhythm
Yeah there were snags
Of course there were problems
But its week 1

Make mistakes early
Just go with it
You'll never know if you don't try
Learn by doing

Bridges built not burned
Friends worth fighting for
Children worth mentioning
Looking good

And now friday

Late night is the early morning
Things are coming together
Relax
Made it through
Day is for coworkers
Night is for friends

Start the summer off right
Friday could go on forever
But then there's saturday

Just as quick as it began
It's over.



After all is said and done
No matter the physical and mental costs
You come out on top
Experience and memories
What more can you really ask for

Next weeks coming
The same
But different
Gotta roll with the punches though


Cause' there was just no way to know..

On Tha' Sound

It's been quite some time since we started looking and jazzy and I are still going strong on the Dream-spot search.

Some girl named brittany long from houston who's 16 just became my jail-bait unicorn.

I think there were about 6 or 7 days since I came out of my med induced coma after surgery that I didn't see Pat. Now he's in Seattle somewhere living in a garage of an uncle who's not really an uncle but some old war buddy of his dad.

I got a driver's license yesterday. It feels really weird. I'm not really excited like I'm sure everyone else was when they got their license. As everyone who knows me knows, I've been driving for years now. I've been DD so many times I can't even count them and except for Tommy I was the only other one without a license but I never thought twice about it. Now it's legal, I guess that's cool. It really just means that I can get a car of my own now. Gotta hop on that.

Goals from the last year for this summer:

Learn to play some piano (Week 8 2007) √
- Learn to play Love Song (Week 9 2007) √
Get Job as Supervisor 2008 (Week 10 2007) √
Live in the City, don't just go to school there (Sep 2007) √
Pass all my classes (Sep 2007) √
Give SFSU Ultimate a promising new look (Sep 2007) √
Win a tournament as SFSU (Dec 2007) √
Get a Dream House, inspired by the Bacon's (Jan. 2008) [ ]
Pass all my classes (Jan 2008) [ ]
Go to Regionals (Jan 2008) [ ]
Get the D on the Tree from Irvine (Mar 9, 2008) [ ]
Get back on the field full force (Mar 9, 2008) [ ]

Get a credit card, for dream house credit (May 2008) √
Get a license finally (May 2008) √
Get a car (May 2008) [ ]
Make this the best summer the counselor's of HBC have ever had (June 2008) [ ]



Cigar Bar and Grill tonight or tomorrow. Juiced.

Brittany's coming to work on monday. Juiced.

Camp starts monday. Juiced.

SumSumma kickoff next Sunday. Juiced.



I still don't know why I write on this thing. All it does is waste time online, everything I write down are random thoughts and I remember all of them whether they're written down or not because I thought them. The only reason I remember I have this thing is cause' now it's linked to Tommy and Joe's blog so I see it when I read theirs.



Go to Europe with Pat next Feb. (Apr 2008) [ ]
Go to South America with Pat next Summer (Apr 2008) [ ]

Just sit.

So it's not Europe. It's Argentina, on vegetable oil. In about a year. Cool.

The skin on my knee peels off where they cut me up. Odd.

Staff Meeting tonight. Bomb.com.

Joe's back tomorrow. Sickness.

Stacy and Brittany are back Thursday. Juiced.

Dream House has officially fallen apart. Depressed.

Alameda has become how many different things can Pat and Shane find to do before everyone gets back for the summer. There's more than I thought there was, but we're runnin' low nonetheless. I've got a test in a class I haven't been to since February, and another quiz left in critical thinking which true to it's name is by far the most thought provoking class I've ever taken. It's pretty sick but the thing is you have to be ready to dedicate some brain power whenever the class even comes to mind. The piano playing has almost all together stopped and guitar is fuckin' ridiculous, doubt that one's gonna actually happen. Geraldoh works in accounting which is pretty crazy, maybe he'll hook it up with a little extra sumptin' sumptin' on the paycheck... Camp shirts, staff shirts and sweatshirts all get ordered today, they look legit. I gotta get to zero degrees here soon, otherwise I'm gonna need a brace, and no one wants that.

Still need some camp time.

I check the clock, it's 2am..

maybe, europe?

Paper Planes

For 5 weeks I've been shooting from my left leg. Today's the last day day I need to do that. I shot 60% from the free throw and 85% from the 3 point line today at the Kids Club Homecourt.

They're gonna drill 2 holes on either side of my knee and slice a cut across it. From the drill holes they're gonna pull out the frayed ACL and string through the tibialis tendon from what I hope to be a dead super hero.

After that it's a full 12 months of me training my knee, just 9 till' I'm back to playing sports though. 9 months? I'm gonna dunk on Nonnie when I get back. Mark my text.

"Them 20's keep blank nigga!"

There's exactly 15 minutes left on my laptop battery, so I'm feelin' another few random lines.

Today, T-bone and I bought overalls and stunna shades. When that shit hits the streets come summer of next year, you're gonna know where it started.

Rachel Valler and Maddie Kuttie are going down come thursday.

"Every time I start trippin' about girls, I just masturbate. After that, I usually don't give a fuck about em." - Connor Murphy

I have no definite idea of what's going on in my life. Yesterday was the first day since the beginning of spring break that I didn't talk to Stacy at some point. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure how I feel about realizing that. My mind spends 24 hours a day (yes in my dreams too) just spinning and free flowing through a bunch of shit that I want to do, have to do, and wish I could do but never focusing on any single one. I've gotta finish out these classes. I want to have surgery. I need to get this dream house. I want to be able to teach pre-school next year. I have a bunch of office work to do for summer camp. I want to quit school and live in Europe for a year, just skating. I need to finish school so I can get a job to pay off the money I owe the dirty ass bank. I want to learn Beautiful by Christina Aguillera on the piano. I need to get out of this house.

I wonder if anyone reads this shit.

Half the time I'm not sure if I'm really writing what I feel, or if I'm writing what I want to feel.

The blankets were too hot. My contacts hurt cause' I slept in them. The clothes I was wearing weren't meant to be slept in. My mouth was dried out, and in desperate need of water. My allergies weren't letting me breathe through my nose. My alarm had gone off almost 3 hours ago. Sun was coming through the blinds right into my eyes. And there was a cat, apparently there will always be a cat. But I could have been there the whole day.

Friends first, and I like that idea.

Earl J can sing like a beast.

"Every man, in one way or another, pays 10 times what the pussy is worth." - Charles Bukowski

But like I'm sure Tommy and I both want to know, what happens if it's not sex you're after? What then of the work that gets put in? What's the measure then of payment? And even further, what's the measure of sacrifice when it doesn't feel like sacrifice? How do you label it payment if all the work just comes naturally?

E-40 wears his stunna glasses at night when he's thizzin'.
Shane wears his stunna glasses at night when he's bloggin'.

Life would be so sick if your only obligation was to spend time with people. I feel like every person you meet makes you realize something different about yourself. And it might be that you hang out with some people just simply as a reminder to yourself about that certain aspect of your life.

I want my funeral to turn out like the one from Big Fish. I told someone a few years back that that was my goal in life. I want to have a large enough effect on the people that I encounter for 2 reasons. the 1st is because one of my beliefs about life is that yours is there to benefit the people around you (it's a crazy idea but it makes sense). The 2nd is so that at my funeral there are so many people, from so many different walks of life that someone finally realizes that everyone has something in common, even if it's just me.

I wonder if Chappy reads my blogs too.

"We can stay proper, keep the clothes on, no pressure. Just hold me and pretend like you've known me forever." - Slug

Down to a minute left, that's a pretty good representation of where my mind is at in any given 14 minutes.

Is it really her? Or is it what she represents?

Shamwow.

They hold some ridiculous amount of water and you can get 8 for $19.95 for the next 45 minutes.

It really is the chase and the beginning that I'm all about.

Watch your elbow is about as legit as check feet.

Pat's got a gift and a curse, it's rough times.

Keyboard's aren't pianos.

Morals have holes.

R.I.P. Donna

The jeepskis can take right turns without touching the wheel.

Red is disgusting

All games are made better when played with Connor.

Pat and I have sub-conversations without words and it's kinda creepy.

Peanut Butter Banana and Honey is a magic combination.

This ACL tear has slowed my life down and humbled me all at once.

I still can't play Moonlight Sonata and no one but me is frustrated with that.

Kaz told me he looks up to me, and I've rarely felt more accomplished.

I've never smoked a cigarette in my life and that doesn't seem weird to me.

Ray Mazur bought be a slice and a half of Pepperoni and Pineapple yesterday.

Pamplemousse is grapefruit in french.

Chicago's gonna be so sick.

My mind hasn't stopped to sit still since last night, and I still can't be sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. The truth is, someone to sit close and talk to and a kiss goodnight are all I really want. The rest of the stuff isn't too important.




Reflection means more than Image. It's how you see yourself, not how others see you.

Stationary for the Stationary.

So yesterday I went and got an examination from an orthopedic surgeon in Berkeley. On the way there my mom and I half argued about me wearing my seat-belt (I've got this leg brace contraption on that makes me sit sideways in the back seat so seat-belts aren't the most comfortable thing in the world) and we struggled to find the entrance to a street that was blocked on both sides with huge planters. When we did we found two parking structures, one that cost $2.50 every half hour and was right next to the surgeons office and one across a huge street with no crosswalk for $1.50 an hour. Dirty leg injury already costing me money. We sit for awhile and fill out forms that ask me things like "do your symptoms involve an injury?" While I'm filling it out I chat with a man going in for his 3rd knee surgery and decide I'm going to do whatever it takes to fix this sprain the first time around.

In the office I meet the Dr. His names not Pepper and I can't decide how disappointed I actually am. He bends. He twists. Does this hurt? Do you feel this? He sits and then tells me exactly what I don't want to hear.

For the past few days I've been talking with Cameron Stewart. She had a similar injury which was a torn MCL and has bounced back from it and is playing rugby again now. On top of that she's a Kinesiology major so I figured she'd be the best person to talk to. Based off what she said it might be just from hearing how it happened and from what the trainers on the field told me I was tricking myself into believing that it was a sprained tendon and nothing more, that I'd most likely even be back for the end of the club season. Already wondering if Taylor would let me play it out with them if B.A.G. never made it off the ground.

He looks me in the eyes and my parents don't even exist in the room anymore.
"We still need to do an MRI but from how your shin moves in the ways it shouldn't I'm pretty positive we're dealing with a partially torn MCL..."

In my head I say, 'shiet, that's gonna take a while longer to heal. but it could be worse it could be,'

"And a completely torn ACL."

'oh my black jesus.'

Anything but that, he tells me that most athletes return to full strength and function after the surgery, but he's not an athletic doctor he spouts this reassurance because that's what the books pamphlets and brochures tell him. As an athlete I know that's not true. Sure you can come back to the sport you played, but the knee won't be as fast, won't be as strong and stable. The competitive edge I had over the rest of the players I went up against, because I was young and athletic and only getting faster and stronger, was gone. This is a need for a surgery. School couldn't happen, even aside from the surgery how would I get there and back? If I can't do school then how can I maintain full time status and stay on the insurance to get the surgery? Work couldn't happen, can't run around with children if I can't even walk? My shots good, but not enough to win knockout without moving. And if I can't walk and can't get paid then how am I going to keep living in my house in SF? Plus I hate living in alameda, that's a step backwards. Times are looking bleak and it's not even a definite thing yet.



But life goes on, I'm gonna have to find someone to take over the rent (anyone want to live with kyle?), I gotta talk to my teachers and hope there's an online option to finish these classes. I gotta talk to Erin and find out someway to get a stationary position going on at the Club. I'm positive she'll have no problem with that. The only thing with an overly bleak outlook is ultimate, and what I'm telling myself at this point is, at least it happened now. If it had happened when i was 23 or 25, the bounce back wouldn't have been as strong. I'm gonna make it back, and I'm gonna sky the shit out of people. I've still got 4th and 5th year eligibility when I get back to pushing my peak performance. One year break is what the other teams get, then it's back to never trapping matty on the backhand side. Until then I'll hold down the other number 22 on the sideline.


I've never really been all about the blog but as my ninja T-Bone pointed out I've got a lot more time now. It's not certain yet but I just might go crazy enough to regularly put the ideas that mean naught to anyone but me online through my sophomore level writing skill. We'll see.


Good luck at sectionals Nonnie. Keep at those muffins.